Life in a Crowded Fishbowl: Navigating COVID-19 Quarantine with Children
- M J Sweetingham
- Mar 28, 2020
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 1, 2020
March 2020
The world outside the windows of my small home is quieter than it was mere weeks ago. The streets of once bustling cities are barren quiet places as their populations hunker behind closed doors. It is a strange new experience, and a sense of dread is sweeping the world as we all begin to feel the ramifications of the COVID-19 pandemic. It is an unprecedented situation that has caught us all flat-footed and struggling to find balance. This is true for the world at large, but it is particularly hard for those with children. School closures, social distancing, and quarantine are having a heavy impact on lives that were already fraught with stress.
All of us handle stress in different ways, and dealing with weeks upon weeks of disrupted schedules and routines is undoubtedly stressful. Fear and worry affect our sleep and eating patterns, increasing the tension that living and working in tight quarters breeds. Families already dealing with unique behavioral challenges now have to navigate without the safety net of community resources in the way that we have become accustomed to, and the feeling of panic sets in. It is an exhausting challenge to learn new ways to handle the emotional terrain of quarantine.
So what can we do? How do we get the help we need when our world has narrowed to the confines of our homes? We must remember that social distancing is not synonymous with isolation, and now more than ever, we need to be reaching out. Our means of outreach must shift into connections that may be unfamiliar to us. Video conferencing, facetime, and other social apps have seen an incredible rise in server needs.
The keys to happier interpersonal relationships of any kind are trust, security, and open dialogue. This is true in regards to our children as much as it is for our adult relationships. These become much more difficult in close quarters, but all the more important to practice, learn, and grow.
For children with a background in trauma, feeling safe and building trust becomes even more difficult when faced with a pandemic situation like COVID-19, and can lead to additional reactive behaviors due to their stress and perceptions of instability. Check out these quick YouTube videos by Ginger Healy, the Attachment and Trauma Networks Parenting Director, on Trauma-Informed Parenting for tips during this “staycation”. She reminds us to be present with our kids, and that what we’re doing IS enough.
Part I: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsOMMMiGOGo&feature=youtu.be
and
Part II: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wVQVm9tdWI&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR0RkIz4McNdkJI4y3FIQ6wULKQoL3g4QKsikDKL8BN4KnwHyaZDGus3le4
Our Basic Needs
Over the last few decades psychological researchers at the University of Rochester in New York, have devised a theory to describe our innate psychological needs. Their model, known as self-determination theory, or “SDT”, is broken into three categories: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When our needs are being met we are happier and healthier. We see fewer behavioral issues, and a greater drive for inquisitiveness. Thus, our goals become clear: how do we fulfill our intrinsic needs both for ourselves, and our children?
Our need for autonomous functioning is difficult while pressed into confined situations, and if you are feeling it, your kids are feeling it too. Try to find opportunities to let your children guide the conversation. Give them the responsibility they crave in order to foster a greater feeling of trust and acceptance. Let them lead the conversation, and be ready to find the answers they seek. PBS has posted some helpful tips for parents to talk to their kids about COVID-19. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/10-tips-for-talking-about-covid-19-with-your-kid
Give them truth and honesty, and let them participate in daily planning. They are feeling just as stuck in this situation as we are, and have fewer outlets than we do at our disposal. Their daily routines - which are crucial for children recovering from trauma - have been turned upside down. Draw attention to the aspects of their lives that haven’t changed. Routines like bedtime, and meals remain. Though it is exhausting, and hard, and frustrating to deal with the behavioral upsets that are bound to erupt, remember that our children are working through these uncertain times too. Both you and your children are in this together. Share with them your understanding, your patience, and your love.
For information on therapeutic parenting for children dealing with trauma visit these sites: Therapeutic Parenting:https://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/parenting/ The National Child Traumatic Stress Network:https://www.nctsn.org/
References and Resources
Self-determination theory: an approach to human motivation and personality. http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/theory.html
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